Hi, I'm Sarah...
(
Hi, Sarah)
...and I have a problem.. I've heard it said "once an addict, always an addict." Addictions are powerful. Somehow your body becomes convinced you need this external influence to be happy, or in more extreme cases, to merely survive. I saw an episode of NCIS at the gym the other day, where a girl was so stuck on getting a cocaine fix she was willing to take it from inside her dead brother's body (who had swallowed it to get it across the border). It was like watching a train wreck.
On that disgusting note (I'll blame it on Halloween), I need to throw something out there. I am an addict. Not drugs, not alcohol, not anything as wild as from that show "Strange Addictions" (think soap eating). I'm addicted to a seemingly innocuous, American-as-it-gets little devil of a habit.
Ridicuolous, isn't it?
As a member of the LDS church, we follow a set of rules called the
Word of Wisdom. We don't drink, smoke, experiment with drugs, drink coffee or tea, and it even recommends a specific dietary style (grains, vegetables, with little meat). I have no problem with following these rules, and I know that I've been blessed by not having been in situations growing up where the more extreme "mind-altering substances" were present (what I mean is, I went to/worked at Dunkin Donuts, but I just didn't party til 4am. Make sense?)
However. Growing up, I never had an issue with caffeine. We didn't have too much of it in the house (although I'm pretty sure my dad would down a 2 liter bottle each day at work... genetic predisposition perhaps?), but at parties/events/restaurants I wouldn't think twice about having a diet Coke. It was a non-issue. BUT. Then I went to BYU. BYU has an honor code which extends to the far reaches of every student's lives. It dictates who you live with, who you can have in certain parts of your apartment (and when they can be there), and pretty obviously prohibited any kind of drugs or alcohol on campus or in students' apartments. Caffeinated drinks weren't sold on campus. It wasn't until I noticed the missing button on the soft drink machine that I realized some people see caffeine as a drug in the same yeah-it's-legal-but-that-doesn't-mean-it's-okay way I look at pot since I've moved to Colorado.
A few months (weeks? hours?) into my freshman year at BYU, I knew I was in trouble. I'd never depended on anything to keep me awake before, even after enduring four years of early-morning seminary (5am mornings anyone?), a part-time after-school job, homework and irregular stage crew schedules. But then came college. Classes. Friends. Boys. General recklessness. As soon as I found a friend going to Walmart, I tagged along and bought a case of soda, thinking it would help with those extra-early (10AM) mornings.
Fast forward three years. By senior year, I was completely hooked. I bought a 20-can pack each month (I only drank on weekdays...) and it was a well-known fact around the chemistry department that if I didn't have my Coke in hand, I was not to be spoken to for fear of unfiltered retaliation or mumbling. It wasn't necessarily that bad, but I just wasn't awake until I'd had my Coke. My lowest point was probably this:
Kidding. A little.
Anyway. Toward the end of senior year, I met two boys. One was named Nathan, and he was pretty cute. He didn't really approve of my caffeine addiction. I know, I know, don't let others' opinions dictate your actions... but like I said, he was cute. The other boy was named Mike. Mike and I were fast friends, and he also called me on my habit. I made a deal with Mike that I would stop drinking Coke after I graduated (only a month or two away at that point) and he promised he'd call to make sure I did. Graduation came. In the spirit of keeping promises and impressing boys, I quit cold turkey (although I don't know what turkey has to do with anything). Mike did call me a week or two later to make sure I'd held up my end of the deal. I had. It was rough, but I did it.
Fast forward to present day. It's hard. It really is. As of this moment, I've been Coke-sober for... 3 hours (today was an especially rough day, followed by an especially long night). It was easy to quit and not think about it when I wasn't working in a place that has Coke just sitting there... free... staring me in the face... I really have quit 98% of the way. But the sound of that can opening, the fizz, the way it burns the back of your throat in that hurts-so-good kind of way... I'll always love it. I'll always fight it, and sometimes I'll give in, but I will continue trying.
I know it's dumb. But when I think about it, and how I struggle with a petty, non-life-threatening dumb little habit, it makes me appreciate the struggles that real addicts face every day. I can't even imagine being addicted to something my body craved to the point that I would be willing to give up health, family, friends, and life for it. And even after "winning" the battle, realizing the fight to not go back is never over... It really is unfathomable.
